its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
