i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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