Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
