He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
