my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
