It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
