I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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