i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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