I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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