Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
