I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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