We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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