So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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