i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
