Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
