I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
