Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
