Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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