The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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