And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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