when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
