I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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