Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
