Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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