Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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