the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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