I wish my penis had an off switch
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
