Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
