If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
