these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
