why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
