Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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