I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
