Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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