I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
