well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
