It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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