oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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