I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
