You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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