he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
