I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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