i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
