Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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