mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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