just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
They took my balls.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
