Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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