Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
