Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
