Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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