My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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