Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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