Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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