Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
