After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
