I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
