I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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